The sadness of happiness
Wow.

Talk about flashbacks. Doesn't life change so fast? How differnt it is now, compared to highschool, 5 years ago, 4, 3, 2, and even 1 year ago. Time goes by so quickly.

I am happy where I am. A little overwhelmed, sure, but happy about what I am doing. I love my kids, generally (that's my students not my OWN children:)), I like teaching, I love wearing a Free Tibet shirt to school when teaching about world conflicts. I love it when they call me a hippy. I love it when I can "instill my crazy left wing ideologies' in sublte ways. And dont worry, they'll be much more overt when I actually get a job of my own (if I get one!). I love my home life. Michael and I are at such a beautiful point. We do argue, but its stuff we're working on, and I think, mostly, is stuff that we will be able to comprimise and work out. The friends I have really interest me, I dont know if many of them I will stay in contact with, as I have learnt that from the past that even the coolest people you dont necessarily reamin close with.Its about who's close, who's available, who is able to change with you. There are a few exceptions, but they are exceptions.

I love our little house, I love 'our' cats. I dont even get too phased by the traffic.

Next year does worry me a bit, but I'm taking it as it comes. What worries me most is not being able to be myself. Hanging my hippy/punk/activist self up on the shelf for rainy days and the odd weekend, that's what worries me most.

What is going to be really hard, and what seems not too far but then again I could be totally wrong, is that someone I love so dearly will not be around forever. Of course, oone is around forever, but this person will, statistically at least, be around for a lot less. My parents are so, so dear to me. So dear, that whenever there is a chance of a breakup, becuase they have had their issues, I feel the whole world would crumble beneathe me. So dear, that it has only been this year that I have been able to voice these fears and allow myself to feel them. So dear, that now I realise, that whenever I cry about something I end up sobbing, because of this issue, because of this fear, becuase of this realisation, that he is getting old. My school friend once told me "he's so strong for his age, he still lifts the trampoline." Odd to pick a line like that, but it just characterises the way I've always felt, that although he was old he didnt' seem it and that he was much stronger than most. That's changing, and its the hardest thing to watch, to experience. A month ago, m aunty Ara was up in Brisbane and invited Michael and I out for dinner. We were talking about many issues and that mum will find it so hard because she doesnt really acknowledge it yet. Ara pressed this issue and I found myself crying in a restaurant and completely not caring that others could see. This comes from someone who used to pride themselves in being so tough, at least on the exterior. That has greatly changed, my sensitivity button and my empathy button have had some adjustments :). And I cant believe I'm writing all this, its the first time I've been able to write it, abiet crying. But now I've stopped so obviously the purge has helped in some way.

So I guess that's it. And all I wanted to say originally is that I am happy :)